From Blogger to WordPress

Decided today to migrate the “My Counselling World” blog to WordPress. Went exceedingly smoothly. WordPress had a great import tool. All posts prior to today (24th June 2009) have been moved to http://mycounsellingworld.wordpress.com/

I’m hoping anyone who was following me here will come and follow me here:

http://mycounsellingworld.wordpress.com/

Thanks

Review of "Gift of Tears" by Susan Lendrum and Gabrielle Syme

One Cruse assignment was to review a book dealong with some aspect of bereavement. Read on for the review and why I choose the book.

Why did I choose this book? It seemed a practical book. Whilst it does contain theory there is more application of that theory that pure theory alone. It looked like a book that would be useful in being with clients, rather than just one to increase my theoretical knowledge. This seems borne out by the contents. The book in divided into five parts - Loss and nurture, Death as a particular form of loss, Working with the grieving, Anger and guilt, concluding with Professional implications. There are also lengthy appendices (nearly 40 pages worth), giving further resources, websites, books and other helps to further develop an understanding of loss and grief. There are also 17 "exercises" spread throughout the book, where the reader is asked to engage more with the material to check understanding, both of the written material but also to gain insight into losses experienced oneself. Each chapter concludes with a "Summary" where the main points covered are listed as bullet points. There is also reference back to previous chapters where a concept or scenario has been introduced.

All in all, a very practical book. A very readable book too. There is occasional "jargon", but only where introducing concepts, such as with Bowlby's attachment theory. It is not filled with jargon, just for the sake of it, as some counselling books appear to be. However, where there is any, it is explained clearly. An example of this on page 73 is "reactive attachment disorder (RAD). This is explained in relation to children who experience "neglectful and dysfunctional parents, endure the circumstantial loss of going into foster care, changing foster parent or being adopted" who then having "been severely neglected, are unable to form normal relationships with others. Their capacity to attach has been damaged".

Chapter 7 points out the need to be aware of cultural differences, more so now in Britain than in previous generations, with the "cultural variety" now present in our society. Help is provided with an outline of mourning customs in the main cultural and religious groups present in the UK - including Judaism, Christianity, Islam, Hinduism, Sikhism, Buddhism and Humanists.

Part III - Working with the grieving is excellent. Chapters 10, 11 and 12 are very practical. Chapter 10 "Basic counselling skills" is perhaps summarised by the following quotes from the first two paragraphs: "...our role is to observer, accept and value the experiences of others, trying to understand this experience at many levels yet without wishing to change it in any way", along with "attitudes of care, nurture and non-judgemental acceptance" enabling clients to tell "their stores and memories of the person who has died bit also their feelings". The several exercises in this chapter help to bring a great understanding of how the reader can become this kind of counsellor. Chapters 11 and 12 expand this basic level of being, adding further skills, such as boundaries, including starting and ending sessions and relationships, giving some examples of difficult openings and endings. There is also a brief discussion of time-limited counselling.

Chapter 13 "Ways of helping children" is again very practical. The 'faces' and 'boxes' games detailed, both seem excellent ways of getting younger clients to recognise and come to terms with their feelings.

The penultimate chapter on "Supervision" is worthwhile too. Supervision is seen as three fold:

1. Restorative - helping the counsellor to "remain receptive to [the] experience of others".
2. Formative - providing training in the early stages of counselling, looking at skills used in sessions, being "aware of responses and ... reactions to clients".
   
3. Normative - concerning the counsellors ethical conduct.

An insight mentioned in various places through the book, not previously considered by myself, is that the process of grieving for a person who has died is the same for other losses in life. The skills, the way of being, in helping a client work through their grief for someone who has died are in many ways the same for helping a client work through a loss experienced by divorce, redundancy, loss of health and so forth.

One final note concerning the book is how it mirrors in many ways the Cruse course material. It almost makes me wonder, not that it matters, which came first, the book or the Cruse material. They certainly complement each other. I would, therefore, recommend this book, "Gift of Tears" to all who enrol on the Cruse foundation course.

Catch up time

Having completed the Cruse course (successful, I might add :) ) feel time to update where I am.

The Cruse course was great. Though as they were keen to let us know, it was not a "counselling" course. I am now officially known as a "Cruse bereavement volunteer". Quite rightly, they feel their course is not of sufficient depth for someone to counsel clients in the full sense of how that is usually taken. When I complete the diploma in counselling only then can I call myself a bereavement counsellor. Do I though want to call myself anything apart from"me"? Or is that too philosophical for now?

The course covered listening skills. It was great to refresh my approach in listening, in being present for the other. Loss, grief and bereavement were discussed at some length.

Practical sessions were engaged in. One caught me off guard. We were given two department store catalogues, large sheet of paper, some crayons. We then had to make a collage of someone we knew well who had died. Aunty Ivy came to mind. Why her? She had died when I was about
10, over 40 years ago. The only connection to recent events was that over the previous day I had seen one of the many YouTube videos of Susan Boyle (pre any make-over), who actually looked very much like Aunty Ivy. As I started cutting out images and drawing, so emotions
began to rise, until tears freely flowed. It was like experiencing, acknowledging her death for the first time. Surprisingly powerful.

Cruse course journal, feeling's and thoughts

Couple of weeks back started a counselling course with Cruse, the bereavement charity in the UK.

As I think back to last Wednesday evening during a presentation a comment was made by one of the tutors reference the book "Counselling for Toads", that "Neil, has read it and thinks it's good". Now I recognise these are my feelings and have been examining myself to see where they come from. I was a bit concerned at hearing that remark. It made me think, why do or should the others care that I think it's good? And then there is the bit that I haven't even actually read it. I made a comment earlier in the evening that I'd looked through it and heard it was good, but not that I myself actually thought it was good. I have actually put this book on my birthday wish list, so in a week's time may have my own copy :)

Have I been speaking too much again? I say again, not so much in a derogatory sense, but that when on a course while some people may find it hard to speak up it doesn't seem to take me long to feel comfortable speaking up or out. I have a concern though that on occasions I speak too much and this may, instead of encouraging others to speak, actually hinder them doing so?

There was also a comment earlier in the evening made when I was about to make a comment on a question or something that been had said, when the tutor said "Neil, wants to argue with me", then she quickly retract the "argue" word and replaced it something else.

I hope I am not being seen as someone being awkward? It is very interesting for me to write that last sentence as in most cases I don't really care too much what others think about me. I don't go out of my way to offend or upset but if people don't like what I do or the way "I am", then I consider that interesting and will look at myself to see why and then decide whether any change or alteration is needed.

Frustration ...

Got involved with a problem at work and time was getting close to when I might have my first appointment at the youth counselling agency where I'm doing my placement.  Phoned to check if I had a client booked in.  Yes, there was a new client coming at 19:00.  So I left work at 18:40 and finally got to the agency at 18:55.  Ran the door bell to get let in and asked if anyone else had run the bell to be let in.  Apparently no-one had.  Came to 19:15 and no one had turned up.  Phoned the number left, to contact the client on, but it was a dead number.  Maybe it was transcribed wrong? Anyway could not get in contact to check if I'd missed her or not.  Also, my 20:00 client had canceled again saying he was away for the time being. Perhaps it's Christmas?

So a little frustrated at turning up in a hurry to find no one here.  Things happen.  As this will be the last Thursday before the 8th January 2009, hope all will return to normal sessions after the holidays.

Judgemental thoughts ...

Read a blog entry of a friend over the weekend which posed the question whether we judge others, in particular by the books they read, or at least display on their book shelves? Having prepared a talk on the subject of judging recently, that gave me impetus to provide an answer. Well, I type the word "answer" but isn't my providing an answer judgemental in itself? If I provide an answer to a problem you have, is that not in some way judging you, that you are unable to resolve an issue yourself? Of course, there are many times when we ask another for advise or help. That I think is the difference. If i just look at you and seeing something I disagree with, then say to you: "you should stop doing that... or start doing this..." that is not really being very helpful. The best and most helpful answers or solutions usually come from within us. Such answers though do come at a price - of struggle and discomfort and pain - while we wrestle with the problems or challenges we face. You can ask me for a solution and I could give you one, but it would be my solution for the way I see the situation. So the answer would really only be of value to myself. I need rather to offer you support and perhaps minimal direction to assist you in finding the solution from within yourself. It is then your solution for yourself. The end, at the end, sometimes only at the end, is worth the price. Along the way it may not seem worth it. This relates more to one on one relationship.

What though of the one to many? I think of this in relation to my earlier political leanings. I am now more central in my views. At times though I do not like to be pigeon holed as left-wing, right-wing, or centrist. I hold or have formulated views over a period of time. They are where I am now, borne of my experiences - not where you might be thinking I am. The problem with defining political views is that one view tends to hold differing views as anathema. When a lot younger I was quite right-wing in my opinions, viewing all left-wing causes as extreme stupidity. Now I have much more, what some would view, left-wing thoughts. The problem with holding such views, though, is that the extremes are not just views about a subject but they also have an effect on the way you may end up treating and being with others.

As an example - thee are certain amoung the more wealthy, who tend to say the following:

"The man has brought upon himself his misery; therefore I will not give him of my food, nor give him of my substance that he may not suffer, for his punishments are just - "

should they not rather:

"... help those that stand in need of their help; administer of their substance to him that stands in
need; and not suffer that the beggar puts up his petition in vain, and turn him out to perish."

Then there are the poor, who have not and yet have sufficient, that manage to survive daily; all those who deny the beggar, because they have not:

"should they not say in their hearts that: I give not because I have not, but if I had I would give."

I kind of have thought of the above for many, many years. Yet, it is only recently being involved in counselling through a youth charity that those thoughts have become more meaningful and impeded within me. I can now see somewhat of the consequence of both opposing views. We all suffer if we seek only to help ourselves and do not seek to help others, whatever our circumstances might be.

In the end, there is no one to many, all relationships eventually come down to being one to one. We judge each other that way or we help and support each other that way. There is no real middle ground here.

Ready or not ... here I come

Well, I've not made an entry here for several months now. I wonder if there has been some avoidance? In early October did another goldfish bowl at BCUC. It was very much a make or break situation. Either I would be approved by the community and tutors or not. If not then the only option was to leave the course. I say leave, but really asked to leasve or thorown off in reailty. After I completed the goldfish session, the community appeared to be divided. Of those that spoke half were for me to go out and see clients, while half were not. The tutors also went with the not ready side. So where and how did that leave me? The reason given for not being ready was that I "was not there enough", or "not present enough" with the client, having no relational depth. This I did not agree with. The client herself was very happy with the session and thought that I should be allowed to go out and see clients. With the client feeling OK about things, this left me feeling very confused. Surely the person there with me should be able to determine if I was present with her or not? I did not say too much then. As this was about half way though the usual course day I then left for home. I met up with another student who had also been rejected earlier in day. She seemed very surprised I had not been accepted.

So the question running through me, both feelings and mind, am I ready or not? I sat with this for several days. Spoke to my counsellor concerning everything. Spewed out a lot of anger. Firstly toward the tutor, then toward myself for not being "good enough", then back to the tutor. Kind of see-sawed these feelings for a while, both with the counsellor and when on my own. Slowly though as the days passed came to feel that I was indeed ready. We had been taught again and again to go with what we were feeling. I felt ready.

So I approached the youth agency where I had been volunteering as receptionist for over 8 months. I explained the situation, that I had been thought not ready by the tutor and half the community but that I felt ready. They said to start, so start I have. This is not the place to discuss clients, that stays with my supervisor. I'll just say, so far I've had sessions with one 20 year old young man, who has come back repeatedly for 6 sessions so far. He seems OK with me. I've also had one 24 year old who was 20 minutes late for his first session and who did not return the following week. In the scheme of things this is early days. So again the question, am I ready or not? Yes, I still feel ready, though there is a whole world to learn, develop and growth with.