Review of "Gift of Tears" by Susan Lendrum and Gabrielle Syme

One Cruse assignment was to review a book dealong with some aspect of bereavement. Read on for the review and why I choose the book.

Why did I choose this book? It seemed a practical book. Whilst it does contain theory there is more application of that theory that pure theory alone. It looked like a book that would be useful in being with clients, rather than just one to increase my theoretical knowledge. This seems borne out by the contents. The book in divided into five parts - Loss and nurture, Death as a particular form of loss, Working with the grieving, Anger and guilt, concluding with Professional implications. There are also lengthy appendices (nearly 40 pages worth), giving further resources, websites, books and other helps to further develop an understanding of loss and grief. There are also 17 "exercises" spread throughout the book, where the reader is asked to engage more with the material to check understanding, both of the written material but also to gain insight into losses experienced oneself. Each chapter concludes with a "Summary" where the main points covered are listed as bullet points. There is also reference back to previous chapters where a concept or scenario has been introduced.

All in all, a very practical book. A very readable book too. There is occasional "jargon", but only where introducing concepts, such as with Bowlby's attachment theory. It is not filled with jargon, just for the sake of it, as some counselling books appear to be. However, where there is any, it is explained clearly. An example of this on page 73 is "reactive attachment disorder (RAD). This is explained in relation to children who experience "neglectful and dysfunctional parents, endure the circumstantial loss of going into foster care, changing foster parent or being adopted" who then having "been severely neglected, are unable to form normal relationships with others. Their capacity to attach has been damaged".

Chapter 7 points out the need to be aware of cultural differences, more so now in Britain than in previous generations, with the "cultural variety" now present in our society. Help is provided with an outline of mourning customs in the main cultural and religious groups present in the UK - including Judaism, Christianity, Islam, Hinduism, Sikhism, Buddhism and Humanists.

Part III - Working with the grieving is excellent. Chapters 10, 11 and 12 are very practical. Chapter 10 "Basic counselling skills" is perhaps summarised by the following quotes from the first two paragraphs: "...our role is to observer, accept and value the experiences of others, trying to understand this experience at many levels yet without wishing to change it in any way", along with "attitudes of care, nurture and non-judgemental acceptance" enabling clients to tell "their stores and memories of the person who has died bit also their feelings". The several exercises in this chapter help to bring a great understanding of how the reader can become this kind of counsellor. Chapters 11 and 12 expand this basic level of being, adding further skills, such as boundaries, including starting and ending sessions and relationships, giving some examples of difficult openings and endings. There is also a brief discussion of time-limited counselling.

Chapter 13 "Ways of helping children" is again very practical. The 'faces' and 'boxes' games detailed, both seem excellent ways of getting younger clients to recognise and come to terms with their feelings.

The penultimate chapter on "Supervision" is worthwhile too. Supervision is seen as three fold:

1. Restorative - helping the counsellor to "remain receptive to [the] experience of others".
2. Formative - providing training in the early stages of counselling, looking at skills used in sessions, being "aware of responses and ... reactions to clients".
   
3. Normative - concerning the counsellors ethical conduct.

An insight mentioned in various places through the book, not previously considered by myself, is that the process of grieving for a person who has died is the same for other losses in life. The skills, the way of being, in helping a client work through their grief for someone who has died are in many ways the same for helping a client work through a loss experienced by divorce, redundancy, loss of health and so forth.

One final note concerning the book is how it mirrors in many ways the Cruse course material. It almost makes me wonder, not that it matters, which came first, the book or the Cruse material. They certainly complement each other. I would, therefore, recommend this book, "Gift of Tears" to all who enrol on the Cruse foundation course.

Cruse course journal, feeling's and thoughts

Couple of weeks back started a counselling course with Cruse, the bereavement charity in the UK.

As I think back to last Wednesday evening during a presentation a comment was made by one of the tutors reference the book "Counselling for Toads", that "Neil, has read it and thinks it's good". Now I recognise these are my feelings and have been examining myself to see where they come from. I was a bit concerned at hearing that remark. It made me think, why do or should the others care that I think it's good? And then there is the bit that I haven't even actually read it. I made a comment earlier in the evening that I'd looked through it and heard it was good, but not that I myself actually thought it was good. I have actually put this book on my birthday wish list, so in a week's time may have my own copy :)

Have I been speaking too much again? I say again, not so much in a derogatory sense, but that when on a course while some people may find it hard to speak up it doesn't seem to take me long to feel comfortable speaking up or out. I have a concern though that on occasions I speak too much and this may, instead of encouraging others to speak, actually hinder them doing so?

There was also a comment earlier in the evening made when I was about to make a comment on a question or something that been had said, when the tutor said "Neil, wants to argue with me", then she quickly retract the "argue" word and replaced it something else.

I hope I am not being seen as someone being awkward? It is very interesting for me to write that last sentence as in most cases I don't really care too much what others think about me. I don't go out of my way to offend or upset but if people don't like what I do or the way "I am", then I consider that interesting and will look at myself to see why and then decide whether any change or alteration is needed.

Ready or not ... here I come

Well, I've not made an entry here for several months now. I wonder if there has been some avoidance? In early October did another goldfish bowl at BCUC. It was very much a make or break situation. Either I would be approved by the community and tutors or not. If not then the only option was to leave the course. I say leave, but really asked to leasve or thorown off in reailty. After I completed the goldfish session, the community appeared to be divided. Of those that spoke half were for me to go out and see clients, while half were not. The tutors also went with the not ready side. So where and how did that leave me? The reason given for not being ready was that I "was not there enough", or "not present enough" with the client, having no relational depth. This I did not agree with. The client herself was very happy with the session and thought that I should be allowed to go out and see clients. With the client feeling OK about things, this left me feeling very confused. Surely the person there with me should be able to determine if I was present with her or not? I did not say too much then. As this was about half way though the usual course day I then left for home. I met up with another student who had also been rejected earlier in day. She seemed very surprised I had not been accepted.

So the question running through me, both feelings and mind, am I ready or not? I sat with this for several days. Spoke to my counsellor concerning everything. Spewed out a lot of anger. Firstly toward the tutor, then toward myself for not being "good enough", then back to the tutor. Kind of see-sawed these feelings for a while, both with the counsellor and when on my own. Slowly though as the days passed came to feel that I was indeed ready. We had been taught again and again to go with what we were feeling. I felt ready.

So I approached the youth agency where I had been volunteering as receptionist for over 8 months. I explained the situation, that I had been thought not ready by the tutor and half the community but that I felt ready. They said to start, so start I have. This is not the place to discuss clients, that stays with my supervisor. I'll just say, so far I've had sessions with one 20 year old young man, who has come back repeatedly for 6 sessions so far. He seems OK with me. I've also had one 24 year old who was 20 minutes late for his first session and who did not return the following week. In the scheme of things this is early days. So again the question, am I ready or not? Yes, I still feel ready, though there is a whole world to learn, develop and growth with.